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Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage: Unlocking the Secrets to Life, Love, and Marriage, by Mark Gungor
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Based on Mark Gungor's wildly popular seminar, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage® builds on Gungor's success with tens of thousands of couples who credit him with enriching, and even saving, their marriages. By using his unique blend of humor and tell-it-like-it-is honesty, he helps couples get along and have fun doing it.
Through exploring a variety of subjects including the myth of a "soul mate," the different ways men and women think, the conflicting levels of libido, and the necessity to forgive, Gungor proves that the key to marital bliss is not romance or destiny -- it's work and skill. Couples need to work hard at maintaining their relationship and to have the skills to pull it off. The longer spouses wait to learn these skills, the greater their chance of wanting to bail, yet Gungor makes it easy for couples to bring their relationship to the next level.
- Sales Rank: #71690 in Books
- Brand: Gungor, Mark
- Published on: 2009-03-03
- Released on: 2009-03-03
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.44" h x .70" w x 5.50" l, .60 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 304 pages
Review
"Mark has written a fun and enlightening book that can help all couples communicate and understand each other better." -- John Gray, PhD, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"Mark Gungor uses a brilliant combination of humor and no-nonsense straight talk to address the frailties of modern marriage and offers practical solutions to make it better." -- Ken Davis, author, comedian, and radio host of Lighten Up and Live!
"Mark Gungor has a gift. His passionate message about marriage breaks through the current myths and misinformation in our culture and renews hope that anyone can experience a happy, sexy, satisfying marriage. Gungor is a national treasure. It's wonderful to see that he's as good on paper -- as immediate and as life-changing -- as he is in person at his Laugh Your Way seminars." -- Diane Sollee, founder and director of Smart Marriages
"Mark Gungor has all the credentials and experience to weigh in on the issue of marriage, but his street-level perspective and his tongue-in-cheek way of conveying his wisdom make it easy to absorb the truth that he shares on a subject that -- for many couples -- is no laughing matter." -- Dr. Tim Kimmel, president of Family Matters and author of Raising Kids for True Greatness
"This was more than a book to us, it was an experience. We felt understood, empowered, and completely covered. This book will help you!" -- Matt & Laurie Crouch, Trinity Broadcasting Network
"Marriage books? I've read them all. This one's the best -- absolutely rock solid advice, delivered in hilarious prose. This is the first marriage book that's totally fair to men, and totally liberating to women." -- David Murrow, author of Why Men Hate Going to Church
About the Author
Mark Gungor is a pastor, motivational speaker, author, and musician. With thirty years of speaking all around the globe, Mark's latest endeavor is to help young couples unlock the secrets of a successful marriage. In is seminars, Mark teaches principles for marriage in a way that empowers couples without being "preachy." Born in New York, he now resides in Stevens Point, Wisconsin where he is the CEO of Laugh Your Way America and Pastor of a local church. Mark and his wife Debbie have been married for thirty-two years and have two grown children and two grandchildren.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
1
The Perfect Mate
Deb and I had flown into Raleigh, North Carolina, to do one of our Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage seminars. Usually during my weekend events I speak for up to six hours or more, so if I am not careful I can overwork my voice. In preparation for an event, I try to limit my jabbering and generally turn down any requests to meet with people, do interviews, and so on. However, the Friday morning before the start of the Raleigh event, my good friend and host pastor, Steve Coronna, asked if I would join him and his wife Connie on the set of their TV program, Making Your Marriage Work. My reluctance to do three television programs on the day of a seminar was mitigated only by my friendship with Steve.
The plan was to leave the hotel at 9:15 a.m. and drive to the studio to meet them. I am not exactly a morning kind of guy, and being true to form, I slept in as late as possible and began to shower and get dressed only at the last possible minute. After I shaved and combed what hair I have left, I went to get a fresh pair of underwear out of my suitcase. However, I could not find any. Since I am a typical man and unable to find something even if it's right under my nose, I did not panic, but simply called out to my wife, who was now in the bathroom.
"Hey, Debbie, where are my underwear?"
"They're right there in the front of your suitcase," she answered.
"No," I retorted. "I looked. There's nothing there."
Exasperated, Debbie shot out from the bathroom to the suitcase to try and find what I had obviously missed. After a few moments, however, she started to giggle and said, "Well, I guess we didn't pack any."
Didn't pack any?! I started to panic. No underwear?! My mind began to race: I have people to meet; television shows to tape! I don't have time to deal with, 'I guess we didn't pack any.'
Perhaps yesterday's undies, I thought, switching from panic to resolution mode. A little gross, but it seemed like a plausible plan at the time. Then I realized my drawers were lying wet on the bathroom floor and there was no time to dry them out. I had to go now if I was going to be on time.
Only two options lay before me: a) go au naturel with no restraints -- freely, as it were; or b) do the unthinkable -- wear my wife's underwear. As I pondered the options, a pair of my wife's undies caught my eye. They were made of simple cotton, and, were it not for "Victoria's Secret" stamped all over the elastic band, they almost looked like a pair of men's skivvies.
Dare I? I mused.
Now, every man I have ever shared this story with has told me they would have chosen option "a," and never option "b," even under threat of death or bodily harm. For most men, wearing women's underwear is not an option -- there are way too many conflicting implications. But I just could not see spending my day underwearless. I can't handle that much freedom in my life. I would have found it extremely distracting.
So, option "b" it was. I quickly slipped on my wife's undies, finished getting dressed, and headed out the door, giving what I had just done very little thought.
About five miles down the road, it started to dawn on me that I was sitting in a pair of underwear that had "Victoria's Secret" imprinted over and over again on the waistband. I thought to myself, Good grief! What if I'm in an accident? I imagined myself lying on the side of the road while the medics tried to remove my pants to save my life. I saw myself fighting them off, screaming at the top of my lungs, "Let me die! Let me die!"
Soon I was at my destination, and I tried to focus on taping the programs to be aired over the next three weeks. You can imagine the irony I felt as I looked into the camera and threw out a challenge for the men in the audience to be real men, not the all-too-familiar men who live in a virtual world of TV, video games, and computer porn -- yet all the while I was sitting in a pair of women's underwear! It was a struggle to concentrate on what I was saying.
After the taping, while we were waiting to be seated for lunch, I could hold my secret no longer. I leaned over to Steve and Connie and told them I had a confession to make. Few things get people's attention like an open confession, so they gathered close to me as I whispered the events of that morning. When I finally got to the part where I revealed I was standing there with them in a pair of my wife's underwear, which I had been wearing all morning, Steve screamed and tried to get as far away from me as possible. (Did I mention guys have issues with this kind of thing?) He continued with lunch only as long as I agreed not to touch him. He also asked me to never mention his name when telling this story. (But, hey, what are friends for?)
The Moral of the Story
I reveal this self-deprecating story to illustrate a point. If you are going to survive unexpected circumstances and disappointments, you are going to have to be willing to change, to adjust, to work with what you have, and to commit to doing things you normally wouldn't have chosen to do. Despite our best efforts and intentions, life doesn't always turn out the way we have hoped and planned. This is especially true when it comes to relationships between men and women.
Love can be deceitful. It starts out so easily. In fact, it is the ease of the relationship that convinces us that the other person is "the one." We are so comfortable with them. They are incredibly easy to talk to. We can just be ourselves around them. With seemingly no effort at all, we experience a sense of joy just by being around them.
"It is so easy," we reason, "this person must be the one!"
"Yes," your romance-starved heart answers, "this is it -- true love is always easy!"
So we take the plunge, we make the big commitment, we promise, "Till death do us part." And we know it's right because it's easy. Easy is always a sign from God that things are right. Right?
But after the "I do's" have been exchanged, life kicks in. And guess what? It ain't easy.
Men and women begin their journey believing that fate has caused them to meet each other, and then they date and end up at the altar. They think that since they have spent so much quality time with each other, they truly know each other. They know what to expect and, therefore, feel the relationship is safe -- they have discovered the perfect one. However, due to the intoxicating nature of the dating process, people don't know each other nearly as well as they think.
So when life hits, shock and awe set in. Shock because the differences that attracted them to each other now repel them. Awe because they are now frustrated and angry and feel that their whole marriage is simply awful.
We read in the Old Testament, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Simply stated, when things don't go the way you hoped they would, it is easy to get "heart sick" -- to lose your oomph, to want to quit and get away from what disappointed you. But that is a mistake.
The truth is that such lofty ideals of romantic perfection actually work to make people's marriages worse, not better. Since these ideals are rarely if ever realized, dissatisfaction rules the day. You were smoking marital ganja if you expected marriage to be a life filled with constant waves of joy, where every morning birds sing you awake and little bunnies help you sweep the floors as the chipmunks wash the dishes.
It may be a hard pill to swallow, but it doesn't take the ladies long to discover that -- though they were worshiped and coddled like beautiful princesses during the dating experience, and though they married the guy expecting to step into a long life of being the object of worship and coddling -- it doesn't last. Generally, women end up feeling as if they are the property of the Pumpkin Eater (who, according to Mother Goose, has his little woman neatly tucked away in his pumpkin shell, there to keep her very well). Women discover that their Prince Charming is more pauper than prince, and the man of her dreams morphs into looking more like the monster from her nightmares.
Similarly, men get disappointed and offended, but only by the idea that we could ever disappoint a woman. "How can this be?" men reason. "Our moms always said we were perfect." And we guys hate to lose the "Prince Charming" label. The problem is that we can't begin to comprehend why being married would take anywhere near the energy dating did. We have won the girl. The girl said "yes." The boy said "I do." Everything seems set, so we assume we can now begin to redirect our attentions, formerly used to chase our bride-to-be, to new pursuits. There are new hills to climb, new wars to win, new seas to cross, and of course, video games to play. Sadly, many men think "I do" means "I'm done." This is because we generally approach relationships with a conquer-and-possess mind-set. And once men possess, we are ready to move on to new ground.
In a way, what we possess "disappears," kind of the way a new car disappears after we own it for six months, and we often cease to give those we love significant attention. We don't do it to be cruel, we just don't get why we would keep fighting and striving to secure something we already have. Sadly, the romantic chase of courtship gives way to the thoughtlessness, inconsiderate behavior, and even rude assumption of ownership. (I'm not saying this is right or that it has to stay this way, it just is for the average guy.) Our shock and awe in marriage have to do with the discovery that our wives no longer think we are the cat's meow. After all, we are men, the bearers of the magic that accompanies our gender -- endowed to us by the male penis.
Ah, wretched disappointment -- it makes us sick. And when marriages are filled with disappointed wives and offended men, it do...
Most helpful customer reviews
34 of 36 people found the following review helpful.
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By Sincerely
My husband and I have been married for 32 years and have been to 6 marriage counselors and have read (me 8, him 2) at least 8 self help/marriage type books over those years. We were invited to go to a comedy show with a couple who had been given extra tickets. It was at a church and thought, "It must be a Christian comedian." We had no problem with that because we were Christians. We sat there the first 2 hours and laughed our butts off at realistic things men and women do. Then Mark stated, "Thank you for coming and we'll see you for the next session tomorrow at 10am." My husband and I looked at each other, puzzled and said, "We're in a married seminar!!!" We decided to come back, in which it still had much humor but more in depth - but the humor lighten our ability to hear the more in-depth stuff in the coming sessions. At the end of seminar Mark has you stand to face each other and look at each other in the eyes without taking them off (very hard to do with past hurts) and repeat after him - loving statements that broke down years of bitterness. Tears began to flow as we hadn't done that in many years, maybe only when we were exchanging vows and felt like we were exchanging vows all over again with eyes to see.
Of all the counselors and books we read, nothing has been so restorative and healing as this seminar. There is nothing like humor to pass through the walls of bitterness so easily and is more seen in the seminars than in the book or even the DVD of the seminars, as it doesn't show the entire seminar - but there are also details in the book that weren't in the seminar.
What Marks approach taught me more than anything is, I walked away with knowing how men think with a big, "Oh! so that's why you respond the way you do," instead of my usual thinking of my husbands lack of desire to communicate and understanding needs. My husband came away with understanding women's communication better and was not so threatened by my over communicating to him that made him feel inadequate. You learn that women (multi-taskers) have a brain that sees everything (kids, school, finances, work, sex, friends, parents, chores, past hurts, etc. all in one big room) and men have, what Marks calls, boxes in there brain. Each box has all the things mentioned in my brain, but theirs is separate and don't touch each other(with the mother-in-law box way, way in the back - ha) - AND one specific box that men love the most - THE NOTHING BOX (a place to escape all their responsibilities, - TV, newspapers, etc.). In others words, when I talk to my husband about all the things I listed at one time, he is overwhelmed and can't respond (in the way I would like). It works better to take out one box at a time and fully communicate about it. So, if I want to talk to him about problems with the kids - that's all we talk about (without accusations of what he is not doing) until coming to a conclusion and a plan. We take a break for 20 min.- hour or a day(s) then open up another box of specific issues. This has helped tremendously.
Some reviewers state this book is simplistic (and it is), but I like to think of it as - if you never really had a good grasp of simple math (multiplication, fractions, algebra) and find yourself struggling with calculus, to be tutored in calculus alone may take a long time to understand concepts - but if you go back and get the fundamentals of math down pat, you can progress through more difficult math easier. I wish I would have known the fundamentals about how women and men communicate before getting married. Would have saved many years of hell knowing how to not push the wrong buttons or say the wrong things that hurt and how to motivate - and I read "Men are from Mars and women from Venus," but this book states some of the same precepts with simplicity to understand better.
I get dis-heartened with reviews that take a specific tree out of the forest (A specific view of the author on one point) to say THAT tree doesn't meet my needs and make the whole book (forest) a reflection of that one tree (does that make sense?). None of us have absolute truth and are on different levels with different needs. If it doesn't speak to you personally.......move on to something that does. This book could help many couples that may turn it away due to negative (not objective) review. I understand we live in a free country with the right to our opinion, but wish we could do this without taking out a very small section of a subject, to reflect it not being as good as we think it should be and not recommending it or tearing it down - or not even finishing the book, seminar or DVD series before reviewing it without trying it. (Not all negative reviews did this). It's like your child stating, "I hate that food," in which you ask, "Have you ever tasted it?" "No," "Then how do you know?"
For instance - I read reviews that made me ask, "How did they get that out of this book?" But as I said, "We're all in a different place."
QUOTE FROM REVIEWER: (this one is from a reviewer stating they are only half way through the book and DVD series) "For example, he talks about how women multitask and men "just can't multitask" and, according to him, that's why the wife finds herself simultaneously making dinner/checking homework/unloading the dishwasher and setting the table/answering the phone/packing the kids up for soccer while the man reads the newspaper. His solution -- accept that your husband can't multitask!"
RESPONSE: This is not a fully accurate overall view with many statements being a humorous poke, by the author - AND most (not all) men aren't multi-taskers. They may be able to do it for a day or a week, but would be exhausted at the thought of this being their everyday life. And I'm not stating that men can't do more than one thing at a time - they can, but it is usually on one subject (box) as they can handle many different aspects of their job, but not be thinking about grocery shopping and what to cook tonight, picking up the kids, did the trash get taken out on trash day, is a friend upset with me, etc (you know what I mean), their focus is on the job box. As mentioned above, men don't see all those things to be done, or don't see a need to get it all right and done all at once (multi-tasking) and will retreat into their "nothing box," but Mark doesn't leave it there - He gives you advice on how to get your husband to help (not nagging or saying nothing - being the martyr, but positive reinforcement, appreciation, respect), as us women WILL take on all that multi-tasking, wearing ourselves out and getting bitter because he sits there reading the newspaper not seeing you need help. He thinks, "If she doesn't require me to help, I'd rather escape to my nothing box (Newspaper, tv, etc.). So, REQUIRE IT with a reward of appreciation - not a demand only, etc (Don't we all want that) and he will help more often. He also advises husbands to respect, appreciate and to help (for most husbands and men - a way to have a more fulfilling sex life, stating that foreplay is an all day thing, helping your wife not be exhausted at the end of the day). Too long to go into.
Another review states she came away with feeling all the responsibility was on the women. I read the book as 60% of the responsibility fell on the man. Yes, much adjusting of communication falls on the women because she is born to see all things that need help, nurture and TALK, and if she understands how to communicate properly, the man will get on board and be responsible for much, if he wants to be happy (and doesn't happen over night if you have years of nagging and him not listening, to overcome). Nothing new here in the book, just stated in way that is more easy to grasp - But I think it is a very good book to start with on relational problems for both men and women because it hits the core of how men and women think so you can have a clue how to communicate and make each person feel valued and loved. It has to start there before you can work on hard sensitive issues.
Never give up on marriage (that's not highly abusive). It is very blessed when you can overcome or move past issues and we all have them.
20 of 22 people found the following review helpful.
Should be required reading for all couples!
By E. Schmidt
I preordered this book directly from "Laugh Your Way America," and have been reading it for the past few days. I was married for nearly 22 years, and was widowed last year. I'm in a new relationship now, and this book looked like a good resource for getting a better understanding of what it takes to be a successful, happy couple (it doesn't always happen naturally). This book is insightful, witty, and really does explain some of the basic differences between men and women. If you want a better understanding of the opposite sex and how those differences can affect relationships, this is THE book for you!
Thank you, Mr. Gungor!
50 of 65 people found the following review helpful.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
By Someone's Mom
We're doing the series in a group at my church and currently we're about halfway through the video and discussion series. Here's my problem with the book/course: I'd estimate that about half of the couples doing the program kind of want to 'tweak' a marriage which is rusty, and occasionally problematic, while the other half of us showed up wanting to fix a marriage which at times feels desperate -- you know, the "go days without speaking to each other, how the heck did I ever end up with you in the first place, is that all there is to life" situation. "Laughing your way" is pretty good for helping the first group, but pretty darned near useless for the second group. In other words, there's a pretty big difference between being pissed off at your hubby because he leaves the toilet seat up and being pissed off at your hubby because he hates your children who also happen to be his stepchildren. Obviously, fixing the first situation is significantly easier than fixing the second.
My husband hates the series. The word he keeps using is "simplistic" -- it's all that Mars vs. Venus stuff which most of us already know anyway, and the series doesn't go deep enough in terms of actually identifying resentments, nor is it biblical despite the fact that it's used at many churches.
And at the risk of getting all "shrewy feminist a la Kate gosselin or Hilary Clinton or something", I sometimes find that he tends to emphasize altering behaviors over actually looking at the situation and thinking about whether or not it is actually unjust or inequitable. For example, he talks about how women multitask and men "just can't multitask" and, according to him, that's why the wife finds herself simultaneously making dinner/checking homework/unloading the dishwasher and setting the table/answering the phone/packing the kids up for soccer while the man reads the newspaper. His solution -- accept that your husband can't multitask! However, that still leaves the problem of the fact that there are six tasks that need doing and the woman is frequently doing five of them to the man's one. See? There it is again. He never addresses the underlying resentment issue.
Also, he seems kind of fixated on sex as the solution to many marital problems, basically stating that if people are kind to each other and therefore they end up having more sex, then their marriage will improve. On some level, it's a bit condescending -- suggesting that women who've been married twenty years have no idea what men are like or vice versa. I'd argue that this is kind of the "bridges of madison county" of marraige books -- simplistic, feel good, and if you've never read a book before, you might like it. But then again, you might have lower expectations than some of the serious readers or connoisseurs of self-help books. YMMV.
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